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Parents who float like helicopters above their children and try to interfere with their children’s affairs are called ‘helicopter parents’. These days, more and more grandparents are concerned about their grandchildren’s work, taking care of their studies, school management, and even their privacy. These people are called ‘helicopter grandparents’. At first, he was in charge of raising children for busy working children, but as the children grew up to a certain extent, he became the personal manager of his grandchildren. There is often a story behind these phenomena. Min-ae is a woman in her 70s who lives alone after the death of her husband. All the children have grown up well. Minae took care of her granddaughter until she went to daycare. I especially loved my eldest granddaughter, but lately I have been worried about her. My granddaughter went to work and had a boyfriend, but Min-ae didn’t like it at all. Granddaughter has loaned money to her boyfriend several times and hasn’t received it yet. Because I knew the truth. My boyfriend said that he invested almost all of his borrowed money in bitcoin.. Despite these circumstances, the eldest granddaughter said that her boyfriend loved her and was thinking of marrying him. In fact, my boyfriend is attending a large company and he is a handsome ‘man’ on the outside.

Excessive obsession with grandchildren

Minae calls her granddaughter every day and tells her to break up immediately, and calls her eldest son and his wife every day. Granddaughter is angry and calls Breaking up repeats itself You blocked Ms. Minae. He was worried about the son and wife, so he met the granddaughter’s boyfriend in person and checked it out. Boyfriend promised to repay all the borrowed money within this year. However, there are times when I can’t control myself when I think of a coin, but he said that he received a promise to be extra careful in the future. Min-ae couldn’t understand her granddaughter, who met a man who borrowed money to make a risky investment she thought. In the end, I found out the phone number of my granddaughter’s boyfriend and gave him I yelled on the phone to break up with my granddaughter immediately. However, when there was no response, I went to meet my granddaughter’s boyfriend at work. Each time, the granddaughter’s boyfriend said that it would never happen again and apologized, but since then, Min-ae has been so restless that she can’t sleep at night and continues to make useless calls to her granddaughter’s cell phone, which has already been rejected. Minae has trauma from the past. Min-ae’s father was a ‘hanryang’ who was well known in the neighborhood, and he did not earn a penny by himself. Mostly I liked to gamble or go to bars. He had a hot personality and spent a lot of money, so there were many people who followed him in the neighborhood. Although she inherited a considerable amount of wealth from her parents, it was soon wasted, and Min-ae’s mother had no choice but to go on the front line. Min-ae’s mother raised Min-ae and her siblings with difficulty while working in a restaurant. My father played late at night and got drunk and came home and beat his mother a lot. The eldest daughter, Min-ae, had her siblings go to bed early so that they wouldn’t see her father beating her mother, and it was up to the younger Min-ae to hear her mother’s pity and slander against her father. It was such a childhood, but Minae was sincere. I didn’t get into college, but after graduating from Yeosang, I went to work and met my husband. My husband was a sincere person far from gambling or violence, and Minae was able to raise children well. Minae was very relieved that her past had not been passed down. Minae believed that ‘mishandling money and hitting people’ would never change. However, I was worried that my granddaughter would be like Min-ae’s mother. I often woke up in a dream to see my granddaughter getting divorced after being chased by debtors after marriage and breaking out in a cold sweat.
Minae’s trauma stems from her father’s violence as a child. In the image of her granddaughter boyfriend borrowing money and investing in coins and losing money, Min-ae recalled her father gambling and even her father who committed violence. In the 1960s and 1970s, Korea was a patriarchal society, and domestic violence was rampant, but there were few cases of raising issues. There was a time when, even if you used violence at home, everything was forgiven if you had a good job and made a lot of money. However, in this society, trauma of domestic violence has been created, and even as of 2021, it is passed down through generations. Some people who grew up in a violent family live with trauma like Min-ae, and there are cases where they follow the rules and imitate the violence.

Reminds me of my father who used to gamble and engage in violence
Thinking of yourself in the past and experiencing depression and anxiety

Separation anxiety among adults

A child raised in a violent family often develops ‘rage against authority figures’. As we go through life, we cannot avoid beings with authority. For example, there are many beings with authority, including parents, bosses, and seniors. Unlike others, when they recall their trauma, they feel strong anger boiling from within. When this anger is directed at you, you may feel low in self-worth and hopeless. Min-ae visited a nearby psychiatric clinic and received counseling about her depression and trauma, and the more she tried to control and adjust her granddaughter, the more she realized that she could not change her mind. No wonder Min-ae feels anxious about her granddaughter’s boyfriend. It must be understood that the source of the severe depression and anxiety that Min-ae feels with her granddaughter is that she sees herself in her past. When a child leaves the mother’s side and goes to kindergarten, crying so as not to fall is called ‘separation anxiety’. Conversely, in the case of grandparents who have raised children for a long time, there are many cases where they feel ‘separation anxiety’ about being separated from their grandchildren. Even granddaughters may not be able to feel the memories of their grandmothers as they are, but I hope they can empathize with them sincerely. Behind the seemingly incomprehensible behavior is a painful memory.

Professor of Psychiatry at Samsung Seoul Hospital, Sungkyunkwan University School of Medicine. <매우 예민한 사람들을 위한 책>wrote For more details, consultation and treatment with a specialist are required, and we ask that you do not easily self-diagnose or make medical judgments with this article.



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